If not now, then when?

This Man...

This man is divine, marvelous, and loved.
He stands behind me, never in front.
He's the chef, plumber, painter, and mechanic.
He's the driver, gets the gas, and warms up the car.
He's the dad, best friend, and mentor.
He's the leader, professional, and inspiration.
He's the giver, the gifted, and the selfless being.
He's the music, the encyclopedia, and the art.
He's the snow, the sun, the river, the rock.
He's the noise, the silence, the laughter, the party.
This man is divine, marvelous, and loved.

A FULL MOON, WITH A LITTLE LUCK ON OUR SIDE

People, places, and things. People: inspirational masses of energy here to teach us. Places: creative endevours encouraging mindful acts of placement. Things: both priceless and unvaluable trinkets of the illusional physical world. Our lives are made up of nouns. Everyday we get the fascinating chance to make choices that will guide us to our prophetic declaration of what must be. Fate. Our choices earn us the right to be ourselves. However, the people, places, and things we choose to have in our life are not always by choice alone. They choose us. Pre-determined in a non-determined manner. By having the thoughts we breathe, speaking the words we think, and giving the gifts we cherish, things seem to always work out ironically and completely perfect. Beginning a new decade, 2010 seems to be an iconical mark in my diary. The last decade was a significant time to grow. An elaborate setting of people, places, and things, creating the lessons that I might now be able to teach. A decade illustrating my weaknesses and writing my strengths. With these now at my attention, my hope is to bring harmony to my life from every angle. I feel love and peace around me, now I challange myself to reciprocate it on a new scale. This is the present, and YOU are in my life to teach me crazy amazing things. I am impressed with the perplexing way the Universe works. With a little integrity, love, and trust, the Universe is precisely on our side. Sit back and soak up the certainty that all you have to do is be yourself, and you shall recieve positively what was meant to be.

My Fondness Of The Sprit: Dedicated to Lindsey

The "Anatomy of the Spirit" is a book beautifully written by Carolyn Myss PH.D. It creatively entails information about the meticulous layout of all your bodies energy circuits woven together with the same thread to create your seven chakras. Naturally, we are all biologically designed on some parallel level, with each charge of energy in our lives (both positive and negative) ultimately effecting our health's destiny. In other words, if you choose to let your mind go to this place, we are in more ways than you may realize, in complete power of our overall well being. Digging deep into, and learning about your chakras can be a gift of alternative medicine, one that I believe is extremely effective and highly fascinating. When you stop to think about what our bodies are scientifically made out of: matter, cells, tissue, atoms, etc., it's no wonder that our actual everyday life experiences and emotions that bring positive and negative charges into our bodies is truly the driving force. The good old saying "it's all in your head", is both annoying when we are at our most vulnerable and desperate stages, and slightly, if not mostly, true. The beauty of becoming aware of your seven chakras, is the beauty of becoming more 'aware'. Basically, our chakras hold a regulated balance of all that is good in life. When negative energy comes in contact with our perfect scale, our whole body can be thrown into a state of panic. And believe me, my body knows panic. I've never felt more un-alligned in my life at times. Moments of physical and mental dispair. They always compliment each other brilliantly, in the most witty format. Example: the week after my husband, son, and I moved into a new house, I was also taking on the demands of my small business, running around like a chicken without a head. My left ankle that had re-constructive surgery over 9 years ago randomly starts hurting with sharp, unmanageable pain. I'm limping like a gimp once again. The energy anatomy of the seven chakras diagnosis states this: my first chakra is directly related to my legs and bones. It's emotional issues involve the ability to "feel at home" and the left side of your body is entirely associated with the female trait of nuturing and domestic responsibility. Conclusion and remedy is this: I have just moved to unfamiliar surroundings, while taking on too many demands that leave me absent in the role taking care of my home and family. My first chakra is way out of wack, and eventually has sent my leg into a panicked state. Is this just too wacky and spiritually blown out of proportion, or extremely coincidental and in need of a serious look deep within? I strongly believe in this 'new to me' form of energy medicine. How could I not? A couple weeks after my pain, it slowly subsided as I adjusted to my new change, and made more time to contribute to my feminine side of nuturing my beautiful family. Wow. For me, it's been quite a gift to have formed a new outlook on life that deeper defines the need to have personal power. Personal power over ones mind, body, heart, and soul. We all know the need to have some sort of power in our lives, but the right power is ultimately the healthiest.

vicariously through him

The subject matter is taekwondo. The best form of discipline for any student, but especially my student. An art that teaches the respectful use of the bodies strongest muscle, the brain. A class that sends my son's focus into new profound levels of intensity. A reminder to live life like a lion, be strong like a tree, and to never melt like a candle. The kick is round, side, and front. The punch is followed by a kiyah, and the stance is horse or jumbi. But today, the student's eyes wonder, as a new boy enters the room. The new kid is distracting, and not at all interested in respecting the teacher or it's brilliant students. He is running around the room and rolling all over the floor, telling the teacher "No", and "I'm tired". I am watching this little piece of distruction make havoc of this usually sharply orchestrated class, trying not to let the others see steam rising out of my head. He is disrupting the vibe of that which is taekwondo, nonetheless waisting my money as the teacher now focuses all of his energy on the rebel in the corner. Finally, it is my favorite part of class, judo sweep tournament has begun. My son is paired with four different students, gloriously defeating them all one by one. As each student drops to the mat with the sweep of my son's leg, they are picked back up by his helping hand to make sure that they are okay. The new kid now decides he would like a turn at this, as if he is at pre-school accepting a paint brush to now paint a picture. He foolishly wiggles over to my son, rolling his eyes with his tongue out, giggling like a joke. I'm not sure what's about to happen, but I know deep down inside what I would like the outcome to be. It is time for this kid to rule out child's play and practice respect. Time for him to get judo sweeped like lint on the floor and open his eyes to wax on, wax off. Instructor says, "Judo sweep, GO". And BAM. My son wraps his leg under his and sends the kids' body 3 feet into the air with a THUD for a landing. A quiet before the storm fills the air. I look far far away from the mother of this child. I am stoked my son is such a stud, with a kind heart. With no intentions of malicious defeat, my son is not boastful or proud. Just playing his role as a resilient student. Perhaps tomorrow the new kid will show up to class walking taller, showing respect to both teacher and student, interested in a new way of learning. Or perhaps not, and I will have to cruelly think of other ways he can be put into his place. (Ouch. Did I just make that thought public?)

knot comes loose

"Can't you see that I'm smiling?
Can't you see there's a part of me that 's brand new?
Used to be, was a part of me felt like hiding
but now it comes through.

Deep in my heart, that's where the knot comes loose.
Deep in my heart, I will remember you.

All my lovely life I've been waiting,
hot heels aniticipating.
Another love I found, not to let it down."

-Jim James

this blue house

I like the smell of my new town when I go out for a walk. Not too far up the road, past the first farm, sits fields of country calmly tucked away in the views of dusted mountains. The scents are different now, it's a whiff that brings me back to my childhood. From a small handful of visits to the stock show and to the barn where my mom took care of her cousins horses when I was a kid, I feel settled in the hearty smell of hay and horse droppings that shelter the meadows tucked behind old gates. On a cold, cloudy, and drizzling day, you can inhale the smell of bathed, oraganic, Earth as it steams off of the mud. There's something natural about being here. I am growing fond of this new place called home that gives me constant vibes of down to earth wholesomeness. Everyone deserves a piece of that...

consumed

When you look at a child, what do you see? If I am graced with such presence, the rest of the world and everything in view peacefully disappears and all I see is the innocent and mysterious life that stands in front of me. Being a mother has given me the gift of empathy. While I've always had a sensitive soul, more often than not I ponder that root. I've recently been reading a book about teaching tolerance to children about the world's differences as well as being empathetic to any child's background. But can empathy be taught? I definitely feel that a person is born with a leveled amount of compassion and empathy, but through life circumstances that trait either grows or fades. Empathy can come in many forms. It is silent by the way someone feels deep in thier heart. It is loud by the way someone acts and creates awareness through beliefs, that untimately, are driven by a persons true empathy. The more I dig deep, the more I realize that children are the true divine root of all empathy in the world. As children ourselves at one point in our lives, we were young and innocently blinded to the world's prejudice's. We were interested in people's differences whether it be color, shapes, or sizes. Curious in a way that demonstrated compassion and empathy. Unconditional love shined as little children, when we wanted to understand when someone was hurt or sad, and not judge them. A time when we wanted the whole Universe to be on our same page, and if they weren't, it was up to us to make them feel welcome, as if everyone belonged. I see it happen everyday. As I recently was given the amazing opportunity to teach, being an early educator has opened my eyes even more. As an example, the children don't see color as a form of labeling, but more as a fact and a trait to be recognized. When asked to color in thier traced hands on paper the color of their skin, they came up with genuine colors such as red, gray, and 'dark'. I think the best thing to take away from a child's view on the world is their freedom. The freedom and excuse to be curious and compassionate as young, empathetic, beings. Questioning everything, then on a quest to understand.

my story about Lucy

She was the backbone of all tradition in our family. Memories will never fade of walking up to her iron cast door when I was small, and entering a small house made to fit 8 filled with 30. The smell of tamles, green chile, and my favorite smell to this day, frijoles in the crockpot. All the women in the kitchen, elbow to elbow helping my Auntie pull dishes out of one of her ovens, setting tables and eating merrily in between to feed the hungry men and kids waiting in the dining room. When it was time to eat, it wasn't just a meal, it was an all night event. The dining room was a vision and smell I will never forget. A long table like the last supper, furry carpet, cabintes filled with glasses and fine china we never used. The buffet table showcasing all my Aunties hard days work was at least 12 feet long (at least in my childhood memory), with enough food to feed an army, or at least to last through night. To this day, one of my cherished treasures is a concept, not an item. The beauty of leaving the spread out all night long, to tastfully go back for more to sit down and eat again, stuffing myself with food and great consversations with my Auntie Lucy and Uncle Ernie. Even as a little girl, it's been in my blood to eat, a lot. When the Silva family came together with food, there was no messing around. It was the way to hand out love. Either in the form of bizcochos and cans of pepsi when you just stopped by, or huge plates of heavy sinful mexican delights oozing out of saran wrap on plastic plates to be re-visited later that night when we got home. Auntie never had judgement, always had love. The builder of family values and unconditional love in my heart. Like a mother of my father, and truly the host with the most. The parties and celebrations will live on forever. I strive to be just half of what an amazing family woman she was. I will continue to open my door with handouts of love and food, never to be put away. Rest in Peace Auntie Lucy. It breaks my heart to have been loved by someone like you, because your presence can never be replaced.

quote of the day

"Boys have a penis. Girls have a lasagna."

Oasis

He's 5, not 4 anymore.

He's tall enough to reach the sink,

He's able to understand love, I think.

He's everything I want to be,

presently engaged with the world at his fingertips.

Loved unconditionley by those he touches.

Emmeresed in life, questions unfold with each wonder.

He picks out his own shirts.

He's going to tie his own converse, determined at first.

He teaches me things about myself that runs deep,

He'll never know his effect on me.

Through his amazing chocolate eyes, life I see.

From the moment we met, I'd give my life for him.

As he grows into a little man I'll nudge him to stand on the limb,

To be the man his dad has been to me,

To be the way my dad constantly loves me.

woah, deep man...

It's immensely scary and somehow peaceful too, to know that this universe is something bigger than just ourselves. This shocking piece of information is relevant at times when I least expect it. The thought of our connection to everything and the true unconditional love that everyone is capable of, seems to both cloud and clear my judgement on a regular basis. The tiniest of memory, or largest of beauty will make my mind do somersaults and completely flip into the realization that we really are connected, at all times. We are not that different, you and I. Our images precede us, but our mark on the world has no prize. Its affect is seen in the eyes of the beholder. The air I breathe is the air you have exhaled. The creation of mankind is truly divine. It's moment like these, when I realize that the universe is something bigger than just myself that I want to keep and share. Share with you, because I know you get this too. It's the unexplainable that keeps us going. Hopes. Fears. Questions. Dreams. Like a wise man once said in my all time fav movie Flashdance, "If you loose your dream, you die." Oh, what a feeling...

I wish...

all closure was like moving. You can send off the 'old' to the thrifty store and let someone else now 'deal'. You can wrap up your precious belongings and bring them with you wherever you go. You can clean up that dirty house, and walk away. Move into your new gorgeous castle and decorate all over again. The more I think about it, the more it is. Wow. That was easy...

our first dance

"since you rescued me, the whole world is there to see..."

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery

Have you ever seen 'Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind'? I've seen it four times now, and have finally figured out what to make of the whole thing. First of all, Kate Winslet potrays a perfect airy type girl that guys hate to love, or love to hate. She's all over the place and tries hard to act unique and be alternative. (This is not a critque on acting in this film, just a commentary on the characters in it). And last and least, she's 'that' girl who gets bored of a dude then dumps him. ( I have never EVER done this. I am a girl who plays no games, and just gets married already). Jim Carrey takes it deep with a meloncholy attitude that makes you want to dump him for her. Oh, in case you haven't had the viewing pleasure of this flick, it's simply about a Dr. who can perform a proceedure on your brain to erase a memory you personally choose to forget. Boy meets girl, relationship goes south, and both want the pain of each other to go away. They get thier minds re-booted so they won't have a memory of each other again. What if you could erase a bad memory from your head along with every thing and place that leads you back to it? Are our memories really that bad, that we would even consider such a thing? I can think of times when at the present moment I would have had my brain warped and re-wired to remember nothing of what had been. But now, from afar, it all makes sense why that had to happen to me. It's obvious that when there's all positive in your life, those bad memories make the good, really really good, and the present moment makes complete sense why you suffered so. But when it gets dark, there's a lot to be said about not wishing it away. It really comes down to the timeless question of 'fate'. Are our lives pre-mapped to be exactly what they have become? Or, as humans, are we smart enough to look at our sufferings to then create a positive? I think I believe in both. There has to be angels out there, guiding us to this place of happiness. But there is also this strong trait called responsibility, where we have been in complete control to choose where we breathe our air, the tastes in our mouth, the people in our hearts, and the memories we can move on from, to live in this gift called the present.

a stack of magazines

What's up with guys and the '20 minute dump'? I am constantly getting bumped out of my tiny little corner in the bathroom, where all things are girlie and smell of lotion, to wait patiently while my men sit on the throne like it's a part time job. It takes a lot of patience to be a mama, but even more to share a bathroom with dudes.

Writer's Block

"And the question is 'was i more alive than I am now?' I happily have to disagree. I laugh more often now, I cry more often now, I am more free." -Peter Bjorn and John

a Double D Day

wow. Is BOOBS a bad word? I don't use the word breast, well, only when refering to chicken. However, apparently my son loves BOOBS, and big ones at that. I was ultra excited to scoop him up from school today, I missed him dearly during his 6 hours away. I waltzed into the classroom with a grin he could probably hear from outside. When, there it was...his teacher standing cross armed, waiting to 'speak' with me for a second. "Your son has had a hard day today." Okay... in what way? I think a thousands random thoughts about the possibilities of what constitutes a 'hard' day for a 4 year old, especially my 4 year old. The kid is a 13 year old trapped in a 4 year old's body. He blows me away with his witty mind and handsome maturity. So I know that the possibilities are endless as to what he could have possibly talked about in the classroom on this particular day. "Well, he told his friends that he wanted to read this book called 'Pickle' again so he could look at the picture of the girl with big BOOBS." At this point the teacher is concerned, I am concentrated on the fact that my smile will soon turn into hysterical laughter. What's the big deal? Seriously? We all have BOOBS. Some are small, and some are big. Some are just right. My question is not to the poor kid who noticed the enormous boobs in the picture in the first place, but to the illustrater who drew them. At what point does the illustrater think to themselves, 'this chic's gonna have huge boobs' and then execute. My son was just being him manly self, making a witty observation. Maybe I should work on his lingo...

swallowing the keys to my mind

sometimes i feel capable of unlocking my truths to the world, then i quickly put them back and feed them only to those who are hungry to know.

divine creation

As I arrive at the party of the summer, I now realize what it was I left behind. When the day has finally come, I think to myself, maybe so, maybe not. Yeah, I'm into this. It's you know who you know where, and I've one tracked my mind for so long to this moment, it feels numb when I finally arrive. It's really just another day, filled with moments that can be talked about tomorrow. I've had lots of those days. They come and go and leave impressions in my mind that create my personal make up to date. But something's different about this one. It's going to be a day when I will remember what it's like to bleed my heart out to a stage, and smile with everyone, because for a couple of hours, our passion is the same. A moment to see the reasons why I love this so much in the first place. Beautiful friends, no matter how long it's been. New friends, no matter how short our time. I look around and see that nothing's really changed. But everything is different. I think that my soul will explode when the music keeps on playing, but quickly I see that what's inside of me has quietly evolved. I used to love this 'moment' so much. My passion was living in that dream, moving blindly to get to the next one. My love was for the 'best show'. But now, I love something even more. I could never replace my new profound love with any note or chord. I couldn't bear the thought of loving my great new love for just one night, being caught up in one single moment. I want lots of these moments. Everyday, all night long. By my side, three and half feet tall and big brown eyes. Thank you my son, for putting that 'spark' back into my life. I didn't know it was missing, because it never really left.