our first dance

"since you rescued me, the whole world is there to see..."

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery

Have you ever seen 'Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind'? I've seen it four times now, and have finally figured out what to make of the whole thing. First of all, Kate Winslet potrays a perfect airy type girl that guys hate to love, or love to hate. She's all over the place and tries hard to act unique and be alternative. (This is not a critque on acting in this film, just a commentary on the characters in it). And last and least, she's 'that' girl who gets bored of a dude then dumps him. ( I have never EVER done this. I am a girl who plays no games, and just gets married already). Jim Carrey takes it deep with a meloncholy attitude that makes you want to dump him for her. Oh, in case you haven't had the viewing pleasure of this flick, it's simply about a Dr. who can perform a proceedure on your brain to erase a memory you personally choose to forget. Boy meets girl, relationship goes south, and both want the pain of each other to go away. They get thier minds re-booted so they won't have a memory of each other again. What if you could erase a bad memory from your head along with every thing and place that leads you back to it? Are our memories really that bad, that we would even consider such a thing? I can think of times when at the present moment I would have had my brain warped and re-wired to remember nothing of what had been. But now, from afar, it all makes sense why that had to happen to me. It's obvious that when there's all positive in your life, those bad memories make the good, really really good, and the present moment makes complete sense why you suffered so. But when it gets dark, there's a lot to be said about not wishing it away. It really comes down to the timeless question of 'fate'. Are our lives pre-mapped to be exactly what they have become? Or, as humans, are we smart enough to look at our sufferings to then create a positive? I think I believe in both. There has to be angels out there, guiding us to this place of happiness. But there is also this strong trait called responsibility, where we have been in complete control to choose where we breathe our air, the tastes in our mouth, the people in our hearts, and the memories we can move on from, to live in this gift called the present.

a stack of magazines

What's up with guys and the '20 minute dump'? I am constantly getting bumped out of my tiny little corner in the bathroom, where all things are girlie and smell of lotion, to wait patiently while my men sit on the throne like it's a part time job. It takes a lot of patience to be a mama, but even more to share a bathroom with dudes.

Writer's Block

"And the question is 'was i more alive than I am now?' I happily have to disagree. I laugh more often now, I cry more often now, I am more free." -Peter Bjorn and John

a Double D Day

wow. Is BOOBS a bad word? I don't use the word breast, well, only when refering to chicken. However, apparently my son loves BOOBS, and big ones at that. I was ultra excited to scoop him up from school today, I missed him dearly during his 6 hours away. I waltzed into the classroom with a grin he could probably hear from outside. When, there it was...his teacher standing cross armed, waiting to 'speak' with me for a second. "Your son has had a hard day today." Okay... in what way? I think a thousands random thoughts about the possibilities of what constitutes a 'hard' day for a 4 year old, especially my 4 year old. The kid is a 13 year old trapped in a 4 year old's body. He blows me away with his witty mind and handsome maturity. So I know that the possibilities are endless as to what he could have possibly talked about in the classroom on this particular day. "Well, he told his friends that he wanted to read this book called 'Pickle' again so he could look at the picture of the girl with big BOOBS." At this point the teacher is concerned, I am concentrated on the fact that my smile will soon turn into hysterical laughter. What's the big deal? Seriously? We all have BOOBS. Some are small, and some are big. Some are just right. My question is not to the poor kid who noticed the enormous boobs in the picture in the first place, but to the illustrater who drew them. At what point does the illustrater think to themselves, 'this chic's gonna have huge boobs' and then execute. My son was just being him manly self, making a witty observation. Maybe I should work on his lingo...

swallowing the keys to my mind

sometimes i feel capable of unlocking my truths to the world, then i quickly put them back and feed them only to those who are hungry to know.

divine creation

As I arrive at the party of the summer, I now realize what it was I left behind. When the day has finally come, I think to myself, maybe so, maybe not. Yeah, I'm into this. It's you know who you know where, and I've one tracked my mind for so long to this moment, it feels numb when I finally arrive. It's really just another day, filled with moments that can be talked about tomorrow. I've had lots of those days. They come and go and leave impressions in my mind that create my personal make up to date. But something's different about this one. It's going to be a day when I will remember what it's like to bleed my heart out to a stage, and smile with everyone, because for a couple of hours, our passion is the same. A moment to see the reasons why I love this so much in the first place. Beautiful friends, no matter how long it's been. New friends, no matter how short our time. I look around and see that nothing's really changed. But everything is different. I think that my soul will explode when the music keeps on playing, but quickly I see that what's inside of me has quietly evolved. I used to love this 'moment' so much. My passion was living in that dream, moving blindly to get to the next one. My love was for the 'best show'. But now, I love something even more. I could never replace my new profound love with any note or chord. I couldn't bear the thought of loving my great new love for just one night, being caught up in one single moment. I want lots of these moments. Everyday, all night long. By my side, three and half feet tall and big brown eyes. Thank you my son, for putting that 'spark' back into my life. I didn't know it was missing, because it never really left.

how i got here

when my heart is there and my head is here, I'll follow my heart exclusively